OD Day + 5 - I shouldn't be here....

A week. That's how long I wanted to be away from Poker. A week. 7 days. I made it to 4 days. But even that's not the true story, as i've spent the last 4 nights working. So, in truth, it's been 1 night since I last played.

Will power is fucking overrated.

It started at 8pm tonight with round 8 of the Bluekipper tourney on Ladbrokes. Only 6 of us turned out, mainly in part to the Kipper forum crashing (again) during the day. Although, after 7 games you'd expect people to know when we're playing. Some people are stupid cunts and no mistake. Oddly, the stupid cunts were the ones who actually showed up. I'm at no point labelling 'bigjeff' as a stupid cunt, just the rest, including me. I've never met bigjeff and in truth I only know 2 things about him. 1, he's big. 2, he's called jeff. And you only pick on people smaller than you, so given that i'm only 5'8 it really only leaves me with women and midgets. I came 2nd but in truth I wanted the 5 points that 1st place brought. I'll get over it in time though...

Wanted to avoid poker tonight and just get some shut eye, but I only woke up at 6pm so i'm not exactly tired..... £21.82 later and I have $44 dollars to play with on Pokerstars. Fucks sake.

Tourney 1 - $11 NL MTT 20k Gtd. I'm writing this about 10 minutes after getting knocked out and i'm still not fucking happy. I pushd with QQ against 1010 and AQ and I still came out with the worst hand of the lot. I only won 1 hand all tourney. I've got $33 left and i'm sulking already.

Tourney 2 - $10.50 heads up againt 'joepro34'.

I ask him straight off the bat if pro is short for prostitute. I know it doesn't, he knows it doesn't, I just like him to know that I have the biggest willy.

Clearly unsettled, he crumbles after 6 shorts minutes when my AK has his JJ beaten by the flop. $9.50 up, still $1.50 short for the night, but that's not important, i'm a winner. And winners don't care about money.

Yourney 3 - $3.30R 30k Gtd - It starts in 5 mins and i'm rilly rilly exciiiited.

I lose my first 1500 to some complete fucking retard with Ace10 offsuit. I hate twats who think Ace10 offsuit are good cards. My AK suited is no match as he hits a 10 on the turn, a few seconds after I say "Ffs you complete cunt, you're gonna hit a 10". What a fucking asshat.

I'm having 1 rebuy. ONE.

Ok two. And 1 add on. All in all, i've spent $12 and had 3900 chip sat the break to show for it. Shortly after the restart I take down a 12k pot when my JQ spades proves good on a flop of 46J where the 4 & 6 are spades. A few hands later and the lad who donked me with A10 is taken out by a man with Ace10. That, my friends, is irony at its best.

At time of writing I have a below average 8747 chips with 1640 of the original 3045 still playing. 603 places paid with $5000 as the top prize. The $17 for 603rd place will do....

A double up! Although at the moment i'm not sure how. I had 5k in chips, got dealt 1010 and went all in. Unfortunately I had a bowel movement so I had to hot foot it to the bathroom. Just come back to finf 10477 chips waiting for me. Re-fucking-sult. I'm just gonna check the hand history, I hope I donked someone....

Bloody hell. 5k on 55. Some people deserve to lose. Turns out we both hit flushes thanks to 4 clubs on the board. She riiiiiiiiides.

It's 0317, despite not being that tired, i'm eager to goto bed as i'm meant to be out drinking by noon tomorrow, and I hate drinking while feeling tired, it usually means I fall asleep on the train home and wake up in Birmingham, getting bummed by a tramp. Ok, the second bit hasn't happened yet, but you know what Birmingham is like. I need to finish in the money places, the potential $17 would put me $3 up for the night, and while that wont ever cover a pint, it's all about pride. 1138 left, i'm currently in 712th with 11052 chips (ave 16581). I need to hang on, I need that $17, I need my pride.

0340 - 860 left, currently in 654th with 10910. I really don't appear to be advancing up this leaderboard here...

0400 - 688 left, the line is in sight! Unfortunately, i'm in 656th and rather clinging on with 6062 chips. Blinds 500/1000, it's not looking good. I pray to various Gods.

0404 - 665 left, 639th place. BB is 3 seats away and it's heading my way. Fast. Squeaky bum time.

0405 - BB 2 seats away, 653 left..

0406 - Re-fucking-sult. Get 1010, go all in and everyone folds. I get 94 on BB, but that doesn't matter, i've bought enough chips to last a bit longer. All fold before I can fold my 94, result again, another 1900! 5k 2mins ago, 8.6k now, without seeing a flop. Ist gut ja. The blind spotlight passes over me and i'm safe. 627 left and i'm a healthy 567th.

Whatever I get now, I fold. Until i'm safe, everything is being folded. Even Aces.

0411 - Oh Pokerstars, how thee mock me. AK suited. 616 left. I'm folding though, thems the rules. I'm not playing in a tourney for 3 and a bit hours to go on the bubble.

0413 - 609 left and the break in 2 minutes. It's getting light outside. I'm dieing inside.

0415 - Bollocks, break time. 605 left. I'm 2 places away from regrowing my manhood! 534th at the moment, I need a brew to sustain myself.

It's only during this break that i've noticed how much fucking noise the animals around me are making. The cat is meowing like fuck (its been fed, the silly twat is just scared of the dark), the Guinea Pig is drinking from its bottle and being very loud about it, and some friggin birds are chirping away outside. WILL YOU ALL PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP. I don't know why I wrote that, it's not as if the Guinea Pig knows how to read a blog. I very much doubt she even knows who I am. I'm the foodgiver you little fucker. Ooh, breaks over... game on.

The table is really split with its chips, 5 players have over 30k, 4, including me, have 8k or under. No middle ground here, no Siree. 604 left. It's so close..

0425 - 600 left. Made it! Time to play looser than a prozzie's minge. Actually.... 549th pays $21, if I can outlast another 18 people I could really be in the money.... On SB with 9A. Blinds 600/1200. Im going for it. No callers. 6k becomes 9k. Result! 554 left....

0430 - I should be happy. I'm going to bed. I finished 549th, which gives me an extra $4. But i'm not, my exit angered me. My KQ v someone else KJ. J on the turn and i'm out.

Still, for my 3 hrs 31 mins I made $9, there or there abouts. I'd have made more delivering papers. Do I wage it on a Heads Up? Ahh go on....

Tourney 4(?) - $21NL Heads Up v 'DrLectr'.

He's got his picture up, and to be fair, he does look like a murderer. Poker Rankings tells me he has made a small profit from him 45 previous games, so he has the edge on me...

I think he's made a profit due to the fact he's a fucking fish. On a flop of 58K, my KJ is a winner. He bets big to the river, which shows another 8. It's inevitable that he has an 8. We dance on 1k v 2k for a while and I hit KK twice in a few hands and the roles reverse. We dance on 2k v 1k some more. After 20 mins it's 1400 v 1600. No end in sight. Dear river Gods, please bring me some fluke. KTHXBAI.

Dear River Gods, fuck off. Get 99, go all in, get called by 1010. What the fuck is that all about.

I'm smarting, my pride is bruised. I need to go to bed a winner. Another $21 heads up is needed. 'dbrady55' needs to feel my wrath.

SharkScope puts him $166 down overall. It's not as bad as mine, but I still take heart from it.

After 45 of the most soul destroying poker ever, I lose. I lose. Another $20. What a fucktard. I could have gone to bed with $50 but noooooooo, instead I go with 9.

Fuck. Off.