I thought Blogging was the future.

Alas, I was wrong.

RIP sweet blog xx

OD Day +22.5 Suck my fat one, '9:02am me'.

Yeah you, the one who posted earlier, so full of negativity, so full of sorrow. Wank my shitter.

Been playing a bit of cash this morning, the MTTs weren't moving fast enough for my liking. Started the day with £100/$195, now have £183/$357, thanks to 2 winning pots of $120(ish) and $160(ish)

PokerStars Game #17972070557: Hold'em No Limit ($0.50/$1.00) - 2008/06/07 - 05:37:16 (ET)
Table 'Ankaios V' 6-max Seat #3 is the button
Seat 1: CyberSn4ke ($99.50 in chips)
Seat 2: royal_wht ($100.90 in chips)
Seat 3: AlexanderT ($122.05 in chips)
Seat 4: slowpoke35 ($180.95 in chips)
Seat 5: BulgarianBoy ($100 in chips)
Seat 6: Lord Funbags ($63.35 in chips)
slowpoke35: posts small blind $0.50
BulgarianBoy: posts big blind $1
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to Lord Funbags [7s 7c]
Lord Funbags: calls $1
CyberSn4ke: folds
royal_wht: folds
AlexanderT: raises $4 to $5
slowpoke35: folds
BulgarianBoy: folds
Lord Funbags: calls $4
*** FLOP *** [Td 3c 7h]
Lord Funbags: checks
AlexanderT: bets $7
Lord Funbags: raises $17 to $24
AlexanderT: raises $88 to $112
Lord Funbags: calls $34.35 and is all-in
Uncalled bet ($53.65) returned to AlexanderT
*** TURN *** [Td 3c 7h] [6s]
*** RIVER *** [Td 3c 7h 6s] [Js]
*** SHOW DOWN ***
Lord Funbags: shows [7s 7c] (three of a kind, Sevens)
AlexanderT: mucks hand
Lord Funbags collected $125.20 from pot
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot $128.20 | Rake $3
Board [Td 3c 7h 6s Js]
Seat 1: CyberSn4ke folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 2: royal_wht folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 3: AlexanderT (button) mucked [Jh Tc]
Seat 4: slowpoke35 (small blind) folded before Flop
Seat 5: BulgarianBoy (big blind) folded before Flop
Seat 6: Lord Funbags showed [7s 7c] and won ($125.20) with three of a kind, Sevens

and....

PokerStars Game #17973675754: Hold'em No Limit ($0.50/$1.00) - 2008/06/07 - 08:10:54 (ET)
Table 'Fabiola' 6-max Seat #2 is the button
Seat 1: Lord Funbags ($81.80 in chips)
Seat 2: Oord ($98.50 in chips)
Seat 3: chorale ($96.50 in chips)
Seat 4: kelbuxx ($29.50 in chips)
Seat 5: icefishermen ($39.65 in chips)
Seat 6: ZInsenamnn ($232.15 in chips)
chorale: posts small blind $0.50
kelbuxx: posts big blind $1
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to Lord Funbags [Ac Ah]
icefishermen: folds
ZInsenamnn: raises $3 to $4
Lord Funbags: raises $9 to $13
Oord: folds
chorale: folds
kelbuxx: folds
ZInsenamnn: raises $29 to $42
Lord Funbags: raises $39.80 to $81.80 and is all-in
ZInsenamnn: calls $39.80
*** FLOP *** [5d Qs 2h]
*** TURN *** [5d Qs 2h] [2c]
*** RIVER *** [5d Qs 2h 2c] [As]
*** SHOW DOWN ***
ZInsenamnn: shows [Kd Kh] (two pair, Kings and Deuces)
Lord Funbags: shows [Ac Ah] (a full house, Aces full of Deuces)
Lord Funbags collected $162.10 from pot
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot $165.10 | Rake $3
Board [5d Qs 2h 2c As]
Seat 1: Lord Funbags showed [Ac Ah] and won ($162.10) with a full house, Aces full of Deuces
Seat 2: Oord (button) folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 3: chorale (small blind) folded before Flop
Seat 4: kelbuxx (big blind) folded before Flop
Seat 5: icefishermen folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 6: ZInsenamnn showed [Kd Kh] and lost with two pair, Kings and Deuces

Hooray for non-cracked aces!

OD Day + 22 Rock Bottom....

For reasons unknown, i've decided to bang £100 into Pokerstars. £100 that I don't particularly have.

I haven't hit rock bottom yet, i've lost about $60 of it so far, rock bottom will no doubt come just before noon....

OD Day + 14 - Lies & Fabrication

I must come clean. My last update was not entirely truthful. Yes, I was playing, and no, I was not blogging. But as for winning? Well that was just a damn dirty lie. The night showed early promise, but I still ended up spunking £20 down the cyber drain. Same for the day after as well.

It's not that i'd abandoned my blog, I had a decent excuse. I was playing on my laptop, which doesn't have a fully functional keyboard. The 'p' doesn't work, neither does the space bar, it's hard to talk about poker if you can't even spell it.

Haven't ventured onto the forbidden land for a week now, worryingly i've not felt the urge to either. Must abstain, must show will power.

OD Day +6 Brian Potter and the Wizard's Sleeve..

I'm not blogging tonight. I'm playing, but not blogging. I'm winning, and as soon as I blog, I lose.

OD Day + 5 - I shouldn't be here....

A week. That's how long I wanted to be away from Poker. A week. 7 days. I made it to 4 days. But even that's not the true story, as i've spent the last 4 nights working. So, in truth, it's been 1 night since I last played.

Will power is fucking overrated.

It started at 8pm tonight with round 8 of the Bluekipper tourney on Ladbrokes. Only 6 of us turned out, mainly in part to the Kipper forum crashing (again) during the day. Although, after 7 games you'd expect people to know when we're playing. Some people are stupid cunts and no mistake. Oddly, the stupid cunts were the ones who actually showed up. I'm at no point labelling 'bigjeff' as a stupid cunt, just the rest, including me. I've never met bigjeff and in truth I only know 2 things about him. 1, he's big. 2, he's called jeff. And you only pick on people smaller than you, so given that i'm only 5'8 it really only leaves me with women and midgets. I came 2nd but in truth I wanted the 5 points that 1st place brought. I'll get over it in time though...

Wanted to avoid poker tonight and just get some shut eye, but I only woke up at 6pm so i'm not exactly tired..... £21.82 later and I have $44 dollars to play with on Pokerstars. Fucks sake.

Tourney 1 - $11 NL MTT 20k Gtd. I'm writing this about 10 minutes after getting knocked out and i'm still not fucking happy. I pushd with QQ against 1010 and AQ and I still came out with the worst hand of the lot. I only won 1 hand all tourney. I've got $33 left and i'm sulking already.

Tourney 2 - $10.50 heads up againt 'joepro34'.

I ask him straight off the bat if pro is short for prostitute. I know it doesn't, he knows it doesn't, I just like him to know that I have the biggest willy.

Clearly unsettled, he crumbles after 6 shorts minutes when my AK has his JJ beaten by the flop. $9.50 up, still $1.50 short for the night, but that's not important, i'm a winner. And winners don't care about money.

Yourney 3 - $3.30R 30k Gtd - It starts in 5 mins and i'm rilly rilly exciiiited.

I lose my first 1500 to some complete fucking retard with Ace10 offsuit. I hate twats who think Ace10 offsuit are good cards. My AK suited is no match as he hits a 10 on the turn, a few seconds after I say "Ffs you complete cunt, you're gonna hit a 10". What a fucking asshat.

I'm having 1 rebuy. ONE.

Ok two. And 1 add on. All in all, i've spent $12 and had 3900 chip sat the break to show for it. Shortly after the restart I take down a 12k pot when my JQ spades proves good on a flop of 46J where the 4 & 6 are spades. A few hands later and the lad who donked me with A10 is taken out by a man with Ace10. That, my friends, is irony at its best.

At time of writing I have a below average 8747 chips with 1640 of the original 3045 still playing. 603 places paid with $5000 as the top prize. The $17 for 603rd place will do....

A double up! Although at the moment i'm not sure how. I had 5k in chips, got dealt 1010 and went all in. Unfortunately I had a bowel movement so I had to hot foot it to the bathroom. Just come back to finf 10477 chips waiting for me. Re-fucking-sult. I'm just gonna check the hand history, I hope I donked someone....

Bloody hell. 5k on 55. Some people deserve to lose. Turns out we both hit flushes thanks to 4 clubs on the board. She riiiiiiiiides.

It's 0317, despite not being that tired, i'm eager to goto bed as i'm meant to be out drinking by noon tomorrow, and I hate drinking while feeling tired, it usually means I fall asleep on the train home and wake up in Birmingham, getting bummed by a tramp. Ok, the second bit hasn't happened yet, but you know what Birmingham is like. I need to finish in the money places, the potential $17 would put me $3 up for the night, and while that wont ever cover a pint, it's all about pride. 1138 left, i'm currently in 712th with 11052 chips (ave 16581). I need to hang on, I need that $17, I need my pride.

0340 - 860 left, currently in 654th with 10910. I really don't appear to be advancing up this leaderboard here...

0400 - 688 left, the line is in sight! Unfortunately, i'm in 656th and rather clinging on with 6062 chips. Blinds 500/1000, it's not looking good. I pray to various Gods.

0404 - 665 left, 639th place. BB is 3 seats away and it's heading my way. Fast. Squeaky bum time.

0405 - BB 2 seats away, 653 left..

0406 - Re-fucking-sult. Get 1010, go all in and everyone folds. I get 94 on BB, but that doesn't matter, i've bought enough chips to last a bit longer. All fold before I can fold my 94, result again, another 1900! 5k 2mins ago, 8.6k now, without seeing a flop. Ist gut ja. The blind spotlight passes over me and i'm safe. 627 left and i'm a healthy 567th.

Whatever I get now, I fold. Until i'm safe, everything is being folded. Even Aces.

0411 - Oh Pokerstars, how thee mock me. AK suited. 616 left. I'm folding though, thems the rules. I'm not playing in a tourney for 3 and a bit hours to go on the bubble.

0413 - 609 left and the break in 2 minutes. It's getting light outside. I'm dieing inside.

0415 - Bollocks, break time. 605 left. I'm 2 places away from regrowing my manhood! 534th at the moment, I need a brew to sustain myself.

It's only during this break that i've noticed how much fucking noise the animals around me are making. The cat is meowing like fuck (its been fed, the silly twat is just scared of the dark), the Guinea Pig is drinking from its bottle and being very loud about it, and some friggin birds are chirping away outside. WILL YOU ALL PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP. I don't know why I wrote that, it's not as if the Guinea Pig knows how to read a blog. I very much doubt she even knows who I am. I'm the foodgiver you little fucker. Ooh, breaks over... game on.

The table is really split with its chips, 5 players have over 30k, 4, including me, have 8k or under. No middle ground here, no Siree. 604 left. It's so close..

0425 - 600 left. Made it! Time to play looser than a prozzie's minge. Actually.... 549th pays $21, if I can outlast another 18 people I could really be in the money.... On SB with 9A. Blinds 600/1200. Im going for it. No callers. 6k becomes 9k. Result! 554 left....

0430 - I should be happy. I'm going to bed. I finished 549th, which gives me an extra $4. But i'm not, my exit angered me. My KQ v someone else KJ. J on the turn and i'm out.

Still, for my 3 hrs 31 mins I made $9, there or there abouts. I'd have made more delivering papers. Do I wage it on a Heads Up? Ahh go on....

Tourney 4(?) - $21NL Heads Up v 'DrLectr'.

He's got his picture up, and to be fair, he does look like a murderer. Poker Rankings tells me he has made a small profit from him 45 previous games, so he has the edge on me...

I think he's made a profit due to the fact he's a fucking fish. On a flop of 58K, my KJ is a winner. He bets big to the river, which shows another 8. It's inevitable that he has an 8. We dance on 1k v 2k for a while and I hit KK twice in a few hands and the roles reverse. We dance on 2k v 1k some more. After 20 mins it's 1400 v 1600. No end in sight. Dear river Gods, please bring me some fluke. KTHXBAI.

Dear River Gods, fuck off. Get 99, go all in, get called by 1010. What the fuck is that all about.

I'm smarting, my pride is bruised. I need to go to bed a winner. Another $21 heads up is needed. 'dbrady55' needs to feel my wrath.

SharkScope puts him $166 down overall. It's not as bad as mine, but I still take heart from it.

After 45 of the most soul destroying poker ever, I lose. I lose. Another $20. What a fucktard. I could have gone to bed with $50 but noooooooo, instead I go with 9.

Fuck. Off.

OD Day +1

I've had a stroke........... of luck. Completely forgot that i'd drawn out £20 from my Ladbrokes account which landed my bank this morning. £20 for some more poker failure. Result!

Starting Balance - $37.95

I've logged on at 11:15, fully intent on hitting the $11 MTT at midnight, figure i'll play a few heads up games before that. Or just the one.

Tourney 1 - $5.25 NL Heads Up - 4 players, 1 paid

First up is 'oske82' who hails from Berlin, he greets me with a friendly 'hi'. I return the pleasantary, with an air of caution. He's German, let's not forget.

Longest heads up ever. Ever. 42 minutes of check raise fold finally comes to an end when his 2 pair beats my 2 pair. I could have walked to Berlin in the time it took to finish that fucking match. Start the night off with defeat. At least it doesn't get my hopes up. Conveniently, he dumps me out at 11.57, 3 mins before.....

Tourney 2 - $11 NL MTT 20k Gtd - 2399 runners, 378 paid.

I'm focused. I'm determined.

I'm gonna lose.

After 50 minutes i've only added 200 to my original 3k, but I lose a 2k pot with QQ against some twat with KA who chases all the way to the river and hits his King. The end is nigh, it's 12:56 and i'm going to make a move before the 1am break...

Being bold and going all in is overrated. QK lose to 55. I need another beer. I need a plan.

After frittering away $3.30 in another MTT I have $19.40. What I need is some hot and steamy MTT action.

Tourney 4 - $2.20 Quintiple shootout, 4 per table. 1024 runners, 64 paid. Confidence is looooooow...

I take my first scalp of the evening in the form of 'Ottomaan', only to bounce my newly acquired chips to some twatbasket who hits a straight on the river. I should just accept that people like myself just aren't meant to have chips, neither should we be allowed bank cards. Still have hope, my 2k plays 1.3k plays 2.4k.

Second scalp! 'meekomarbles', feel my blade! 1010 gives me a full house against his K8.

What a twat. What an absolute cockdrop of a twat. My QQ was looking very good. Very good indeed. He only had 22. The flop was 3QJ, 2 clubs though.... turn clubs..... uh oh, he has the 2 of clubs..... river clubs. River clubs.

4 fucking clubs. I hit a Queen on the flop and he ends up making a fucking flush on the river with his 2. The man went all in with 2 fucking 2. Pokerstars is a cunt.

$17 left. I'm playing a $10 heads up. If I don't win, i'm taking my ball and i'm going home.

Unashamedly, I donk the hell out of the poor chap from Hamilton who rightly thought his AK was good against my AJ. A river Jack says different. Confidence is growing....

Tourney... 4(? - or 5, I can't remember. Might even be #3) - $21 NL Heads Up v 'newduke'.

I'm not one for snap judgements, but he's got a Harry Potter avatar, therefore he's either 13 or he's gay.

13, gay, or Albanian, I don't know. But he plays AA very well. I lose. I have $3.50 left. Where did all the good times go.....

Closing Balance - $3.50
Hatred of Pokerstars - 9/10

That's me done for a week. A whole week.

OD Day + 0.5

Had a good evening, just slobbed in front of the telly with the Mrs. Watched the footie, watched something on Prince Philip and then watched some smarmy twat chase tall women across the US on Channel 4.

Feeling good about tonight, i'm just about to move onto night shifts again so need to adjust my body clock. Gonna be an all nighter, through circumstance rather than choice. Hopefully will be able to stretch my poker balance out across the night.

Starting balance - $22.04

I had a bit of success with heads up ealier today so I feel confident that heads up is the way to head tonight, in the early stages anyway, definately want a bit of MTT action at some point.

Tourney 1 - $10.50 NL Heads Up

Confidence is high, my bitch for the next 10 minutes is 'edster1986' who stays silent throughout. I all but finish him off with 34 on a board of J6533 against his 44. He waits to the river to get frisky, had he pushed earlier I would have folded like...errr... well, like a piece of paper. It's too early in the evening for clever thinking.

I finish him off with AQ v 10 7 where nobody hits anything.

WINNAR! - $20. $9.50 profit, it's good, I feel good, I smell quite bad. Not showered today.

I've got my eyes on a $11 MMT 20k that starts at midnight, 955 runners so far... money to be made! (Or donated to others)

I'm in. $11. Bring it on.

In the meantime, i'm trying to get into my Heads Up slipstream....

Tourney 2 - $10.50 NL heads Up

'Martinwahb', you're going down....

I'm 9 minutes into this, I don't like this man. He's a ballbag. 1 point I was down to 600 chips, now it's even at 1.5k each. Still don't like him.

What a bastard. What. A. Bastard.

Raises every hand pre-flop. Every fucking hand. Small raise, i'm on BB, I get 10 3. Flop comes 3 4 10, 2 diamonds. He goes all in, I call with my 2 pair, he shows diamonds and hits a diamond King on the river. The bastard.

Tourney 3 - $11 NL MTT - 2308 runners - 23k pot - 333 paid

Mildly refreshed with a new bottle of Corona, but still wanting to hurt 'martinwahb', i'm now chancing my arm at an MTT with a big pot and 3k starting chips. Lady luck, gizza fuck.

Lady luck is a fucktard.

Out in 1440-ish. I.... don't want to talk about it.

$10 left.

Tourney 4 - $3.30R - $3ok G'td - 2745 runners.

Got enough for buy in + 2 rebuys. It's shit or bust time....

I'm stuck on a table with a guy calling himself 'GREAT_GAZOO0', i'm not such if he's pissed, foreign, or retarded, but all he has to say is "I AM THE GREAT GAZOO0!". I'm not even sure what a Gazooo is, but i'm positive that i've seen better.

After 53 minutes of almost non-activity I get giddy with 88 and get smashed to fuck by1010. Stupid boy.

Double rebuy, $6, it really is shit or bust now...

Break time - 3.45k in chips. Tea & toast time.

Tea & toast is overrated. It does nothing for the mind. I lose.

Shit.

Opening balance - $22.04
Closing Balance - $0.74

Pride - Gone for a ride
Anger rating - 5/10
Hatred of Pokerstars - 7/10

I'm going playing GTA4.

OD Day

Original Deposit Day.

Starting Balance - $25.54

Tourney 1 - $11+R $10k guaranteed - 603 runners

Probably a stupid mistake to go straight into an $11 rebuy when i've only got $14 in reserve, but it's where the action is at 0800 US of A time. Going to have to resist the urges of others to go all-in with anything above a 10.....

To the above I folded big slick with 3 all-ins before me. Don't trust them. Any of them. K8, A6 and J8 shown. 66 on flop, flush on river. Close call. Rewarded for being a fanny. Hoopla! Need to catch a pot stealer and double up, there's going to be no add-on for me after 60 minutes should I get that far....

Double Up - 66 on big blind, flat calls round, just check. Flop 56J, 2 diamonds. 1 all-in, I call, he shows 2 diamonds. spade, club, chips. Crap play, but hey, that's how I got in this position to begin with.....

Bollocks. Utter fukkety bollocks.

Out. 464th. No rebuys, I don't deserve one.

My doom - A9 v 9 10 - flop 27J turn Q river K. The complete and utter fucking quilt just tried to bluff a 6k pot with 56 suited, got called and lost most of his chps, then he does the same to me and wins. Lesson to be learnt - don't be such a fucking n00b.

The cat is sat next to me, looking at me with utter disgust. I can't blame her. I can, however, kick her across the room. She flies surprisingly well for a fatty.

Need to regroup, get a beer, and a bag of Monster Munch. And sign up for 2 more tourneys. Double pronged attack ftw \o/

I also apologised to the cat, she meowed, I think that's a good thing.

Tourney 2 - $5.50 NL MTT - 992 runners, $4,960 prize pot, 144 paid.

Out. 543rd. Shortstacked and got caught with 88 against AA. This is not going well.....

Tourney 3 - $5.50 NL SnG - 9 runners, 3 paid

It's less of a poker table, more a market place for buying pots. Nobody wants to call, some of these people are clinging to their chips like a newborn baby clings to its mother's nipple. Not that i'm complaining, the longer they fold the longer I get away with not playing very well.

Finally got my first scalp of the day, took a while. On BB with 56, no raise so check. 467 on flop, mixed suits. 1 guy all in with his last 300, I call, he shows a 7. 3 on turn, 7 on river. Sucks to be him, i'm sure. I can't afford to be sentimental. I can't fucking afford to be anything at the moment.

4 left and i'm decidedly short stacked. 1.7k playing 3.3k, 4.7k and 3.4k.

3 left.... and i'm actually one of them. A win, at last, a brief glimpse of glory. Albeit only likely to be worth $9. 1.6k plays 2.8k plays 8.9k...

Shite cards + big blinds = rapidly evaporating stack.

Push my last 800 chips in with A8, get called by K4 (hearts) and flop comes K46 - all diamonds. Diamond on turn and my nut flush takes it. A lifeline! 2 small pot wins follow with 1010 and 77. Followed by a slight disaster with A 10 v AJ

1.5k v 2.6k v 9.1k

3rd. No big disaster, it's a strike back against the PS machine. Went down with A2 v KJ with a K on the river.

Still, $9, 9 dollars!! I'm still down for the day, but 9 fucking dollars!! Vegas here I come. Time for another beer. A celebration beer though, not a 'pondering' beer. Right, c'mon world, i'll fucking have yer.

Tourney 4 - $10.50 NL Heads Up

Lastgame for me this afternoon, depending on how bad this goes it could be the last until Friday... $10.50 of my remaining $12.54 goes on a heads up battle with 'giorgio1982'.

I inform him via the chat that i'm going to bloody well do him. He doesn't reply, he doesn't need to. I sense his fear.

After early exchanges that leave me with 1.1k v 1.9k I land a monster pot with Q9 v KK on JQ739. "ridicoulus" giorgio remarks. I don't have the heart to correct his spelling. I did donk the shit out of him, but he really should haven't have waited until the river to push.

I dry myself off and set about finishing him off. To be fair, he puts up a good struggle with 500 v 2.5k and it takes 7 or 8 minutes before my A10 destroys his K2 on a flop of A10A

$20 better off. I told him i'd bloody well do him, I warned him, but did he listen? Noooooo....

That's me done for the afternoon, I have to tidy the house before my grlfriend gets home from work or she'll beat the shit out of me.

Opening balance - $25.54
Closing Balance - $22.04

Pride - Intact
Anger rating - 2/10
Hatred of Pokerstars - 2/10

Right... this is my day 1. My Genesis. My time to forget the money gone before me.....

Hairline, 30" waistline, money that I deposit into Pokerstars.

3 things i'll never see again. Pokerstars for me is the primary school bully that somehow ended up in the same secondary school as you, ready to pound your fragile little body for another few years.

Through my final year of uni I let Pokerstars beat me up and take my dinner money on more than 1 occasion, and now that i'm in the working world and supposedly a grown up i'm still letting them get away with it. It's not just Pokerstars either, Will Hill have been taking £30 a week off me in football bets that haven't brought back a single penny since New Year's Day 2008....

I'm hoping that by documenting my struggles in a blog I can somehow change the winds of fate and actually (somehow) find myself in profit by the end of the year. Doubtful.

I don't profess to be a good poker player, in football terms i'd be languishing near the foot of League 2 with Macclesfield and Chester City. I half know what i'm doing, there's no strategy to how I play or the tourneys I enter, it's just whatever is running at the time I happen to be on there. Possibly why according to SharkScope i'm $800 down on just SnGs alone.

Day 1. God Created man, blogs, and meat pies. And I deposited the last £13.07 from my bank account to my PokerStars account.

Starting Balance - $25.54